What Do I Really Want?

This one will be short. I want to share what is really on my mind. It has been for the last week. What do I really want? What do I really desire? I am really asking myself "what do I really want in life?" Now, I can rattle off to you a good list of "the right answers", but is that really what I want? I find myself asking this question fairly frequently. A little introspection to get me back on track when I find I am hitting a wall. I wish I could say I consistently come up with the same answers, but honesty has helped me to see I really want a lot of things that don't really matter. I love turning to the scriptures whenever I plateau and get stuck. I thought of an interesting exchange this morning. One that helped me refocus. In 1 Nephi 11 we read of an interesting account. Nephi was thinking about the teachings of his dad. His dad talked a lot about Jesus Christ and even shared a remarkable vision with him. Parenthetically I will add, developing a relationship with God is probably the most important thing. It fits first in that list of "the right answers". In fact it is life eternal to know God and Jesus Christ whom He sent (John 17:3 - paraphrased). The Spirit of the Lord asks Nephi "Behold, what desirest thou?" In other words, what do you really want? Nephi responds "I desire to behold the things which my father saw". A really great vision then unfolds and Nephi sees a whole ton of really great stuff. I'll confess, I hadn't really seen much significance in those few verses until today. This morning, it clicked. All Nephi really desired, all he really wanted, was a personal conviction and witness of Jesus Christ. He wanted to have that same witness and testimony that Jesus Christ really was the Son of God, the Savior and Redeemer of the world. That is what he really wanted. I am sure popularity, and a million other distractions, were just as prevalent in his day, but he really wanted to know more about Jesus Christ. His prayer was answered. I am finding when I really want to know my Heavenly Father, then I actually start coming unto Him. I actually start putting forth the effort to know Him. I pray more sincerely. I study with greater purpose and direction. I have my struggles and find myself going back to doing dumb things, wasting time, but focusing back on Him helps me pull out of it. I am wanting to change my desires. This comes through consistently repenting and feeling the sanctification of the Holy Ghost (the good feelings you get that make you want to be a better person). I'll be real with you, I find myself getting distracted at times, but focusing back on Him really does bring purpose, direction, and happiness into my life. Hope this week finds you well. Look forward to more of my random thoughts next week!!

To The Rescue

Monday. Preparation day in missionary life. 8 hrs to take care of everything for the week. If you are anything like me, then you do all your stuff (e-mailing, shopping, laundry) as fast as possible so you can spend more time playing sports. Trust me, we get as much physical activity in as we can on Mondays. We usually play Basketball for at least 3 hours. Today was different. We were going mountain biking. I literally had been counting down for this day all last week.

We got out to Beaver Dam and got ready for a good time. For a few, it was their first time. Biked a few trails and gauged the skill and stamina of the group. We all road together most of the day and concluded with about 2 hours left in our preparation day. Wanting to hit up a particularly fun part of the course, and recognizing not all would be up to this challenge, six of us made the executive decision to split up from the group. The others would slowly follow after and we'd all rendezvous at the trail head. We biked down the trail at an accelerated rate to hit the "Drop Zone". It was awesome! It is a sub-loop (1/2 mile) within the western loop (approx. 8 miles) with a few good drops. I totally pysched myself out and skipped the first drop, but committed to the next 3. Nailed 'em. It was such a good way to end our day. Sweaty, thirsty, tired and fully satisfied; we were ready to head back home. We came full circle to the trail head only to find the other bikers were nowhere in sight.... We concluded with the slower rate of the group, they probably hadn't made it this far yet. We biked back up the trail only to find they weren't waiting at the road. We checked back at the cars. Nowhere. It now being well past the time for all of us to head back, there was only one other possible conclusion; they must have continued on past the loop.

Figuring by this time they were out of water, President Bernhisel asked if another Elder and I would bike the trail backwards until we found them and he would commence the normal way. We rode hard for a good 45 minutes. I'll confess, my energy was spent. Many times thoughts of going back crossed my mind, but I suppressed that desire with thoughts of getting water to the missionaries out there on the trail. I was reminded of those early pioneers who went out to rescue the saints perishing with starvation on the plains. Realizing the pioneers situation was one of life or death, and ours a mere difference of a little dehydration and fatigue, we peddled on. Soon we happened upon the first group. Two Elders, one was my companion, were in good spirits, but very exhausted. We gave them some water. They thanked us and we said a prayer together. It was abundantly obvious this was the motivation they need to continue biking hard. They left us and we biked towards the next group. I was starting to get a headache, and yet we knew we needed to continue on. We finally got to the other Elders. We shared what little water we had and said prayers with them too. We were joyed to know all were accounted for. We came back with the last group. One Elder was so tired. Drained. For him, every step was a valiant effort. The others soon left us, we didn't want to slow them down. I knew I couldn't carry him. It wasn't practical. Only thoughts of finishing and resting, returning to the group and not giving up could motivate him back. Energy spent, we finally made it to the road. We were welcomed back by cheers and Gatorades. It was so worth it seeing everyone together again.

This life parallels my experience in so many ways. Many are struggling on different "paths" in this life. Tired. Discouraged. In need of a little relief. They need our help. We are blessed with the opportunities to ride to their aid. To administer relief through being a friend. Isn't that why Christ suffered for us? He suffered all things that He might know how to succor (provide relief) for us in our times of need (Alma 7:11-13). He knows the path. He has walked the path. He is the way, the truth, and the life (John ). Just as the missionaries who felt renewed in spirit when they saw us, I know having His presence in my life motivates and encourages me to become better. I have found my challenges typically aren't taken from me. Usually, I am strengthened and motivated to work harder and push through. These experiences with His love have taught me more about the enabling power of Jesus Christ's atonement. Frequently referred to as "grace" in the scriptures. After feeling the motivation, it can be easy to start taking those first few steps again. After a while; however, it gets hard again. It is the thought of rest, relief, and joy at the end of our journey which give us the hope to keep pushing. Moroni in the 7th chapter of the Book which bears his name teaches: "And what is it that ye shall hope for? Behold I say unto you that ye shall have hope through the atonement of Christ and the power of his resurrection, to be raised unto life eternal (living with God), and this because of your faith in him according to the promise." (Moroni 7:41) Sometimes all we have to hold on to is that hope that if we continue to follow Him, things work out. I promise you, they always do. He always comes to our rescue. He always invites us to come unto Him. It is the story of my life and billions of others.

Part 2. To Canada
Speed Limit 80 KPH (Kilometers Per Hour for my American friends). What is that like 10 MPH...? I was driving down the White Mud (a freeway) when the sign reminded of what a different place this was. Better pick up the pace, dinner was ready. Oh how I have always loved Canada. Too many things to count seemed to be passing through my mind this last week. Still trying to decide what I should do with my life. I knew not signing for the Marine Corps was the right decision, but now what? Should I do school? Work? So many thoughts jumbled together passing through my mind, definitely faster than 80 KPH. I drove past the LDS Temple. It's so beautiful. My thoughts turned to my parents and their teachings. I drove over the bridge. The scenery opened up over the River Valley. I was amazed at the beauty of the area. The emotions of the moment seemed to catch up to me; this is my home. Oh it felt so good. So true. Wait... What? This isn't my home! This is Edmonton, Alberta, Canada. Home is 18 hours South of here (unless you're my family, then it is 14 hours South). As quickly as I passed over the bridge, the feelings past, but the thoughts remained. I mulled it over the rest of the drive to Grandma's. Again, I knew it was the right path to take, but how?

As dinner was settling in my stomach, another great meal cooked by grandma, dad and I had a good chat in the basement. A chat about my future. Let's be real. Mom and dad only invited their youngest son, their little Bradley-boo, on this trip because they were worried about where I was going in life. They were looking for any opportunity to talk with me one-on-one in a place I couldn't run from them. How glad I am they were so persistent. A midst our conversation of what I wanted to do, dad paused and thought, his head tilted back. I could almost see the thoughts flashing across his mind.
"Bradley, have you considered moving here yet?"
How could he have known? Amazed I responded, "It has been on my mind all night."
That same tilt of the head back and the accompanying smile and nod of the hea
d. I knew he had his impression confirmed. "What do we need to do to make that happen?"

A lot was needed to make the move happen. We got to work. We were only in Edmonton for a week. I applied for school. Got in. I looked for a job; A great man offered me one. I needed a place to stay; Grandma opened her doors to me. It all fell into place as if by divine design. I needed to take care of so many things back home right? Well, because I had been preparing myself to go to Boot Camp with the Marines, most everything had all ready been figured out. I was astounded. Everything was falling into place. All ready I could see a few immediate benefits of trusting the promptings which had come to me. It increased my confidence there was a God who cared about me. These experiences have only increased my trust in Him. I have had those experiences again and again. He feels so involved in what I do. I continue to feel something beyond myself guiding my life. I have learned to trust those feelings. It is what drives me to find my purpose here on earth. I have always felt like I was meant to do something in life. A fundamental doctrine to my beliefs is that we are children of God. He is our Father; the Father of our spirits as the Bible teaches. Believing this has caused me to raise my expectations of myself. I know there is more out there for me than just living from one moment to the next. I need to make a difference in this world. It is part of the reason I am here.

Even though I was doing what was right, those first few months were a struggle. No one would know. Not until they read this blog. I was so lonely. I get that way fairly often. We all do. I had left behind everything. I left it all back in the U.S. and started my life over. I was grateful for the fresh start. I could be whoever I wanted to be up here. Life presents us with so many fresh starts. That is the essence of the Gospel of Jesus Christ; a fresh start. I came up to Canada to make something of myself. I didn't want to waste this opportunity. I had so many chances before. It seemed life I had squandered those. Let's do it the right way this time right ? (refer to older post for an application there)

I remember one night in particular feeling so painfully alone. I had many friends by this point, but I still didn't feel apart of anything. I didn't feel I was connecting. I turned inward as I so often do; no doubt a coping mechanism innate in all of us. I struggled to find happiness. What should I do? Was this really the right path for me? Was I really supposed to be in Canada? Should I turn back and go to Utah? I turned to the scriptures. Again they held the answers I needed. I read Doctrine and Covenants 6:22-23 wherein the Lord says "Verily, verily, I say unto you, if you desire a further witness, cast your mind upon the night that you cried unto me in your heart, that you might know concerning the truth of these things. Did I not speak peace to your mind concerning the matter? What greater witness can you have than from God?" Peace distilled upon my heart again. Here was another quiet moment where God spoke to me. The calm peaceful assurance I was where I needed to be. I couldn't see the whole picture. Again, I knew I only had a few steps in front of me illuminated, but I knew He was leading me somewhere. Greater purpose lying on the horizon.

It seems like the perfect antidote to loneliness is turning outward and getting involved. The ensuing months brought greater opportunities to help others and make a difference. I learned and grew so much in Canada. I developed friendships I will always cherish. The changes I made were sticking. I was becoming who I wanted to be. All my experiences and mistakes became teaching opportunities. I could take what I had learned and now help others overcome their challenges. These things did not come all at once, but looking back it is so easy to see. I was being prepared to make a difference in the world around me. The lessons I learned in Canada have stuck with me on my mission. I have learned and developed the skills to adapt to different circumstances and hold to the most important things. This has enabled me to pursue my dreams and visions. All too soon my mission will end. The seasons of life come and go, but our experiences carry over with us. No doubt we are given the experiences we have to help us do greater good in the days and months to come. There is a purpose to our being here in life. We really do matter. They help us to face the next great obstacles.

Part 1. The Marine Corps

Looks like everything is ready to go. Just have to sign the dotted line. I had a sudden overflow of nausea and dread. Whoa. Am I ready for this? This is a really big commitment.

"Is everything ok?" the Marine Corps recruiter asked.

"I... I'm not sure about this..." I responded. Trying to suppress the overwhelming anxiety I was feeling. I suddenly knew this wasn't supposed to happen. Wasn't it though? I had prayed again and again. I had made my decision. Was I not pumped and ready to go just 10 minutes ago. Why would I back down now? I'd all ready gotten to this point. The last few weeks seemed to boil down to this one moment, and now I was hesitating. What should I do?

"Hey man, if you aren't committed to this, don't sign. Take all the time you need. I am not going anywhere. Think it over and talk to me next week." Came the reassurance. 

I breathed, feeling a little relieved. "Yeah, I think I just need to figure a few more things out."

We concluded the meeting with a handshake and the typical departing pleasantries. I had just walked away from joining the United States Marine Corps. Every thought and prayer those last few weeks had led me to this decision. Here I was walking away from it, yet I was beginning to feel reassured. I knew I was making the right choice. Little did I realize it was the beginning of the next great adventure in my life.

A lot led me to the recruiter's office that day. Structure. Discipline. Self worth. The ideals of the Marine Corps resonated within me. Being not just the best of the best, but being my best self. Isn't that what I had been searching for? I wanted change. I had enough. I put my life on hold again and again to get myself on a mission, and it wasn't happening. A few months before that day, I completely gave up on the idea of going on a mission. I decided to live for me. I choose to stop caring about what others thought. I lived by the rule "what I want is always right. I don't care what others think." True freedom hey? I couldn't have been more wrong. Why did "living for me" only bring shame and regret. Each day I felt disgusted with myself. I had no worth. My choices only brought greater bondage and less control into my life. I could only take it for so long. 3 months is a long time to just party and live. No job. No school. No direction. Just hanging out with people. Going wherever the wind takes me. I wasn't happy. I knew this wasn't me. I knew this was only a phase and it would pass.

My family reached out many times in love. They tried so many different ways. They prayed for me. I kept them involved in my life, because I knew what they were saying would eventually take hold. It didn't come to pass without some pain. I wallowed in the mire long enough to realize I needed the change. Wanting wasn't enough. I had wanted to change since I was 16. It was difficult to acknowledge I really needed the change. I prayed many times to determine what was best for me. I had always been encouraged to make my own decisions, and then take them to God and see if He approved. Military and mission were the only two real options I saw. Probably because my brother Jared, to whom I looked up and related with, had all ready done both. I wanted to be like him. He never cared what others thought. He was always himself. The self you can be with your family and not feel ashamed. The kind of "being yourself" you can feel proud of.

The mission looked unattainable, so I turned to the military. I wrote down the pros and cons. I looked at how this would affect me in the long-term as well as short-term.  I did my homework. At one point, I truly felt I had a confirmation that this path was good. It would help me become who I wanted and needed to be. Though I wouldn't admit it to anybody, there was still the nagging feeling I needed to keep the options for a mission open. I turned to the scriptures for guidance.

One day I was reading a scripture in the Doctrine and Covenants which really spoke to me. It says: "Yea, behold, I will tell you in your mind and in your heart, by the Holy Ghost, which shall come upon you and which shall dwell in your heart. Now, behold, this is the spirit of revelation; behold this is the spirit by which Moses brought the children of Israel through the Red Sea on dry ground." (Doctrine and Covenants 8:2-3). I learned from this scripture that if I sought direction in my life, God would give it to me through the guidance of the Holy Ghost. The answer would be recognizable in my mind and heart. After much prayer and even a little fasting, I was ready to make my decision. I knew I needed to get ready for a big change. I understood that change to be the military. I was going to join the Marine Corps.

As I was in the midst of signing, as this story began, I felt it wasn't right. I was conflicted. Confused. I had felt a confirmation that this was something good I should work towards. It was in the moment of acting upon the promptings I had all ready received that I got even more revelation. Don't do it. It seemed counter-intuitive, but I knew it came from God. I had been doing all I could to be open to the Spirit. I recognized it when it came. Clear. Precise. I trusted. In that moment I could not see beyond that very day. I didn't know why I shouldn't sign. I knew enough to know the big change I was preparing for wasn't the Marine Corps as I had supposed. As time went on, the answer as to what that big change was became only too obvious.

To Be Continued... (Suspenseful hey? I thought it would be fun to leave you on a bit of a cliff hanger... That and I really don't like super long posts, so I am breaking this one up into two parts)

Do It Right The First Time

"Bradley, if you're going to do something, do it right the first time." I can still hear grandma telling me that as I wondered how to fix it. Despite her advice, my Jeep was still leaking transmission fluid all over the street. I spent so many hours trying to ascertain the problem. I tried sealing it with spray. Nothing was stopping this leak; however, it wasn't losing too much too fast. It wasn't too big a problem, right? I was getting such a head ache from this stupid thing anyways. It shouldn't be so hard to fix. If only I could figure out what was causing the hose to leak!  I put it off for a few days, but grandma was persistent. "You really need to fix that leak." I still didn't know what to do with it. I tried another temporary solution; sealing it again. Didn't work.

Finally it was a Saturday in the fall, and I was frustrated enough to stay there all day until I figured out what was wrong. I pulled the line off. I checked one side and then the other. I looked at where it connected and... Ah ha!! That's it! There was so much dirt and sand the quick connect fitting (the little plastic clip thing) was stuck open! Only in Canada would they sand the roads so much it would gunk it up! You'd think I took it out digging all the time. In my excitement and haste to clear out the quick connect fitting for the transmission line, I discovered another problem. It had snapped. Now I have to buy a new one. Whatever.

I finally had some direction in repairing the Jeep. Knowing the necessary parts to look for cut my time in half. I ran over to the Canadian Tire, but they didn't have the piece. I searched the auto stores and finally found one that carried it! Huzzah! The Jeep was fixed, and it continued to run the rest of my time living in Canada.

As much as the story could end there, I have so much more to say about this. Life seems to fit into the story of my Jeep and the lesson grandma taught so well. We all have little things causing problems here and there. It doesn't seem like too big a deal; however, if you let them go for too long unrepaired, damages occur. There can be some big repairs to make. Instead of letting them go, identify and resolve problems quickly, but if you are going to fix something, do it the right way. Knowing what the problem is, what is needed to resolve it, and where to go to do so makes all the difference.

My story. I wanted to go on a mission. I had wanted to go since I was a little kid. I am sure some of the sensationalism and culture of my youth affected that, but for me it seemed so much more. There was a purpose in it. I couldn't explain it. I just felt it. I knew it was what I needed. Something beyond me told me that was the path for me to take. 19 came and went. Reality had set in. I couldn't just keep going on as I was. Life wasn't going anywhere and I was really losing hope in so many things. Just like the Jeep, the problem was there. I could see the problem all throughout my life, except the full solution, or maybe I just didn't want to accept it. Standards are established to ensure one is worthy and able to represent the church Jesus Christ established here upon the earth. Guess what. I wasn't living those standards. I had a problem. My spiritual Jeep was running sure, but it was definitely leaking some needed fluids.

Guess what. I made it on my mission! Just like the Saturday I had enough, I finally decided it was time to take this serious and really make a mission happen. I needed to get my problems taken care of. Gratefully with honest evaluation, scripture study and prayer, I identified what the problems were. I learned more of the atonement of Jesus Christ and it taught me how to resolve the problems I created. I also gained a testimony of who it is to whom we need to go; the Savior Jesus Christ. He can fix any problem. He knows us personally. He knows how to repair our issues. He is the way the truth and the life (John 14:6). There is no other real solution to it. We can try all the temporary "fixes" we want, but those don't eliminate the problem.

Only one person had the fix for the piece I had broken. It was Him. He always does. If we want to fix the problems in our lives, we have to do it the right way. This is called repentance. It is a gift made possible through Jesus Christ's sacrifice. It helps me, when I am open and honest with myself, to ask God for the help to change. Hopefully we do it right the first time, but whether it's the first or the millionth, He is still there.

In ways I cant' fully explain, but that are very dear to my heart, I know He can give us strength. He provides the healing we all need. He invites all to "Come unto me all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest to your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." I know in learning of Him, we come to know more about ourselves. He has walked the path before us. As we allow Him to help us fix the problems in our lives, they run a lot smoother. There are other problems that arise, but we are more aware of how to address them as they come. They don't disable us, nor render us spiritually incapacitated.