Part 2. To Canada
Speed Limit 80 KPH (Kilometers Per Hour for my American friends). What is that like 10 MPH...? I was driving down the White Mud (a freeway) when the sign reminded of what a different place this was. Better pick up the pace, dinner was ready. Oh how I have always loved Canada. Too many things to count seemed to be passing through my mind this last week. Still trying to decide what I should do with my life. I knew not signing for the Marine Corps was the right decision, but now what? Should I do school? Work? So many thoughts jumbled together passing through my mind, definitely faster than 80 KPH. I drove past the LDS Temple. It's so beautiful. My thoughts turned to my parents and their teachings. I drove over the bridge. The scenery opened up over the River Valley. I was amazed at the beauty of the area. The emotions of the moment seemed to catch up to me; this is my home. Oh it felt so good. So true. Wait... What? This isn't my home! This is Edmonton, Alberta, Canada. Home is 18 hours South of here (unless you're my family, then it is 14 hours South). As quickly as I passed over the bridge, the feelings past, but the thoughts remained. I mulled it over the rest of the drive to Grandma's. Again, I knew it was the right path to take, but how?

As dinner was settling in my stomach, another great meal cooked by grandma, dad and I had a good chat in the basement. A chat about my future. Let's be real. Mom and dad only invited their youngest son, their little Bradley-boo, on this trip because they were worried about where I was going in life. They were looking for any opportunity to talk with me one-on-one in a place I couldn't run from them. How glad I am they were so persistent. A midst our conversation of what I wanted to do, dad paused and thought, his head tilted back. I could almost see the thoughts flashing across his mind.
"Bradley, have you considered moving here yet?"
How could he have known? Amazed I responded, "It has been on my mind all night."
That same tilt of the head back and the accompanying smile and nod of the hea
d. I knew he had his impression confirmed. "What do we need to do to make that happen?"

A lot was needed to make the move happen. We got to work. We were only in Edmonton for a week. I applied for school. Got in. I looked for a job; A great man offered me one. I needed a place to stay; Grandma opened her doors to me. It all fell into place as if by divine design. I needed to take care of so many things back home right? Well, because I had been preparing myself to go to Boot Camp with the Marines, most everything had all ready been figured out. I was astounded. Everything was falling into place. All ready I could see a few immediate benefits of trusting the promptings which had come to me. It increased my confidence there was a God who cared about me. These experiences have only increased my trust in Him. I have had those experiences again and again. He feels so involved in what I do. I continue to feel something beyond myself guiding my life. I have learned to trust those feelings. It is what drives me to find my purpose here on earth. I have always felt like I was meant to do something in life. A fundamental doctrine to my beliefs is that we are children of God. He is our Father; the Father of our spirits as the Bible teaches. Believing this has caused me to raise my expectations of myself. I know there is more out there for me than just living from one moment to the next. I need to make a difference in this world. It is part of the reason I am here.

Even though I was doing what was right, those first few months were a struggle. No one would know. Not until they read this blog. I was so lonely. I get that way fairly often. We all do. I had left behind everything. I left it all back in the U.S. and started my life over. I was grateful for the fresh start. I could be whoever I wanted to be up here. Life presents us with so many fresh starts. That is the essence of the Gospel of Jesus Christ; a fresh start. I came up to Canada to make something of myself. I didn't want to waste this opportunity. I had so many chances before. It seemed life I had squandered those. Let's do it the right way this time right ? (refer to older post for an application there)

I remember one night in particular feeling so painfully alone. I had many friends by this point, but I still didn't feel apart of anything. I didn't feel I was connecting. I turned inward as I so often do; no doubt a coping mechanism innate in all of us. I struggled to find happiness. What should I do? Was this really the right path for me? Was I really supposed to be in Canada? Should I turn back and go to Utah? I turned to the scriptures. Again they held the answers I needed. I read Doctrine and Covenants 6:22-23 wherein the Lord says "Verily, verily, I say unto you, if you desire a further witness, cast your mind upon the night that you cried unto me in your heart, that you might know concerning the truth of these things. Did I not speak peace to your mind concerning the matter? What greater witness can you have than from God?" Peace distilled upon my heart again. Here was another quiet moment where God spoke to me. The calm peaceful assurance I was where I needed to be. I couldn't see the whole picture. Again, I knew I only had a few steps in front of me illuminated, but I knew He was leading me somewhere. Greater purpose lying on the horizon.

It seems like the perfect antidote to loneliness is turning outward and getting involved. The ensuing months brought greater opportunities to help others and make a difference. I learned and grew so much in Canada. I developed friendships I will always cherish. The changes I made were sticking. I was becoming who I wanted to be. All my experiences and mistakes became teaching opportunities. I could take what I had learned and now help others overcome their challenges. These things did not come all at once, but looking back it is so easy to see. I was being prepared to make a difference in the world around me. The lessons I learned in Canada have stuck with me on my mission. I have learned and developed the skills to adapt to different circumstances and hold to the most important things. This has enabled me to pursue my dreams and visions. All too soon my mission will end. The seasons of life come and go, but our experiences carry over with us. No doubt we are given the experiences we have to help us do greater good in the days and months to come. There is a purpose to our being here in life. We really do matter. They help us to face the next great obstacles.

Part 1. The Marine Corps

Looks like everything is ready to go. Just have to sign the dotted line. I had a sudden overflow of nausea and dread. Whoa. Am I ready for this? This is a really big commitment.

"Is everything ok?" the Marine Corps recruiter asked.

"I... I'm not sure about this..." I responded. Trying to suppress the overwhelming anxiety I was feeling. I suddenly knew this wasn't supposed to happen. Wasn't it though? I had prayed again and again. I had made my decision. Was I not pumped and ready to go just 10 minutes ago. Why would I back down now? I'd all ready gotten to this point. The last few weeks seemed to boil down to this one moment, and now I was hesitating. What should I do?

"Hey man, if you aren't committed to this, don't sign. Take all the time you need. I am not going anywhere. Think it over and talk to me next week." Came the reassurance. 

I breathed, feeling a little relieved. "Yeah, I think I just need to figure a few more things out."

We concluded the meeting with a handshake and the typical departing pleasantries. I had just walked away from joining the United States Marine Corps. Every thought and prayer those last few weeks had led me to this decision. Here I was walking away from it, yet I was beginning to feel reassured. I knew I was making the right choice. Little did I realize it was the beginning of the next great adventure in my life.

A lot led me to the recruiter's office that day. Structure. Discipline. Self worth. The ideals of the Marine Corps resonated within me. Being not just the best of the best, but being my best self. Isn't that what I had been searching for? I wanted change. I had enough. I put my life on hold again and again to get myself on a mission, and it wasn't happening. A few months before that day, I completely gave up on the idea of going on a mission. I decided to live for me. I choose to stop caring about what others thought. I lived by the rule "what I want is always right. I don't care what others think." True freedom hey? I couldn't have been more wrong. Why did "living for me" only bring shame and regret. Each day I felt disgusted with myself. I had no worth. My choices only brought greater bondage and less control into my life. I could only take it for so long. 3 months is a long time to just party and live. No job. No school. No direction. Just hanging out with people. Going wherever the wind takes me. I wasn't happy. I knew this wasn't me. I knew this was only a phase and it would pass.

My family reached out many times in love. They tried so many different ways. They prayed for me. I kept them involved in my life, because I knew what they were saying would eventually take hold. It didn't come to pass without some pain. I wallowed in the mire long enough to realize I needed the change. Wanting wasn't enough. I had wanted to change since I was 16. It was difficult to acknowledge I really needed the change. I prayed many times to determine what was best for me. I had always been encouraged to make my own decisions, and then take them to God and see if He approved. Military and mission were the only two real options I saw. Probably because my brother Jared, to whom I looked up and related with, had all ready done both. I wanted to be like him. He never cared what others thought. He was always himself. The self you can be with your family and not feel ashamed. The kind of "being yourself" you can feel proud of.

The mission looked unattainable, so I turned to the military. I wrote down the pros and cons. I looked at how this would affect me in the long-term as well as short-term.  I did my homework. At one point, I truly felt I had a confirmation that this path was good. It would help me become who I wanted and needed to be. Though I wouldn't admit it to anybody, there was still the nagging feeling I needed to keep the options for a mission open. I turned to the scriptures for guidance.

One day I was reading a scripture in the Doctrine and Covenants which really spoke to me. It says: "Yea, behold, I will tell you in your mind and in your heart, by the Holy Ghost, which shall come upon you and which shall dwell in your heart. Now, behold, this is the spirit of revelation; behold this is the spirit by which Moses brought the children of Israel through the Red Sea on dry ground." (Doctrine and Covenants 8:2-3). I learned from this scripture that if I sought direction in my life, God would give it to me through the guidance of the Holy Ghost. The answer would be recognizable in my mind and heart. After much prayer and even a little fasting, I was ready to make my decision. I knew I needed to get ready for a big change. I understood that change to be the military. I was going to join the Marine Corps.

As I was in the midst of signing, as this story began, I felt it wasn't right. I was conflicted. Confused. I had felt a confirmation that this was something good I should work towards. It was in the moment of acting upon the promptings I had all ready received that I got even more revelation. Don't do it. It seemed counter-intuitive, but I knew it came from God. I had been doing all I could to be open to the Spirit. I recognized it when it came. Clear. Precise. I trusted. In that moment I could not see beyond that very day. I didn't know why I shouldn't sign. I knew enough to know the big change I was preparing for wasn't the Marine Corps as I had supposed. As time went on, the answer as to what that big change was became only too obvious.

To Be Continued... (Suspenseful hey? I thought it would be fun to leave you on a bit of a cliff hanger... That and I really don't like super long posts, so I am breaking this one up into two parts)