Part 1. The Marine Corps

Looks like everything is ready to go. Just have to sign the dotted line. I had a sudden overflow of nausea and dread. Whoa. Am I ready for this? This is a really big commitment.

"Is everything ok?" the Marine Corps recruiter asked.

"I... I'm not sure about this..." I responded. Trying to suppress the overwhelming anxiety I was feeling. I suddenly knew this wasn't supposed to happen. Wasn't it though? I had prayed again and again. I had made my decision. Was I not pumped and ready to go just 10 minutes ago. Why would I back down now? I'd all ready gotten to this point. The last few weeks seemed to boil down to this one moment, and now I was hesitating. What should I do?

"Hey man, if you aren't committed to this, don't sign. Take all the time you need. I am not going anywhere. Think it over and talk to me next week." Came the reassurance. 

I breathed, feeling a little relieved. "Yeah, I think I just need to figure a few more things out."

We concluded the meeting with a handshake and the typical departing pleasantries. I had just walked away from joining the United States Marine Corps. Every thought and prayer those last few weeks had led me to this decision. Here I was walking away from it, yet I was beginning to feel reassured. I knew I was making the right choice. Little did I realize it was the beginning of the next great adventure in my life.

A lot led me to the recruiter's office that day. Structure. Discipline. Self worth. The ideals of the Marine Corps resonated within me. Being not just the best of the best, but being my best self. Isn't that what I had been searching for? I wanted change. I had enough. I put my life on hold again and again to get myself on a mission, and it wasn't happening. A few months before that day, I completely gave up on the idea of going on a mission. I decided to live for me. I choose to stop caring about what others thought. I lived by the rule "what I want is always right. I don't care what others think." True freedom hey? I couldn't have been more wrong. Why did "living for me" only bring shame and regret. Each day I felt disgusted with myself. I had no worth. My choices only brought greater bondage and less control into my life. I could only take it for so long. 3 months is a long time to just party and live. No job. No school. No direction. Just hanging out with people. Going wherever the wind takes me. I wasn't happy. I knew this wasn't me. I knew this was only a phase and it would pass.

My family reached out many times in love. They tried so many different ways. They prayed for me. I kept them involved in my life, because I knew what they were saying would eventually take hold. It didn't come to pass without some pain. I wallowed in the mire long enough to realize I needed the change. Wanting wasn't enough. I had wanted to change since I was 16. It was difficult to acknowledge I really needed the change. I prayed many times to determine what was best for me. I had always been encouraged to make my own decisions, and then take them to God and see if He approved. Military and mission were the only two real options I saw. Probably because my brother Jared, to whom I looked up and related with, had all ready done both. I wanted to be like him. He never cared what others thought. He was always himself. The self you can be with your family and not feel ashamed. The kind of "being yourself" you can feel proud of.

The mission looked unattainable, so I turned to the military. I wrote down the pros and cons. I looked at how this would affect me in the long-term as well as short-term.  I did my homework. At one point, I truly felt I had a confirmation that this path was good. It would help me become who I wanted and needed to be. Though I wouldn't admit it to anybody, there was still the nagging feeling I needed to keep the options for a mission open. I turned to the scriptures for guidance.

One day I was reading a scripture in the Doctrine and Covenants which really spoke to me. It says: "Yea, behold, I will tell you in your mind and in your heart, by the Holy Ghost, which shall come upon you and which shall dwell in your heart. Now, behold, this is the spirit of revelation; behold this is the spirit by which Moses brought the children of Israel through the Red Sea on dry ground." (Doctrine and Covenants 8:2-3). I learned from this scripture that if I sought direction in my life, God would give it to me through the guidance of the Holy Ghost. The answer would be recognizable in my mind and heart. After much prayer and even a little fasting, I was ready to make my decision. I knew I needed to get ready for a big change. I understood that change to be the military. I was going to join the Marine Corps.

As I was in the midst of signing, as this story began, I felt it wasn't right. I was conflicted. Confused. I had felt a confirmation that this was something good I should work towards. It was in the moment of acting upon the promptings I had all ready received that I got even more revelation. Don't do it. It seemed counter-intuitive, but I knew it came from God. I had been doing all I could to be open to the Spirit. I recognized it when it came. Clear. Precise. I trusted. In that moment I could not see beyond that very day. I didn't know why I shouldn't sign. I knew enough to know the big change I was preparing for wasn't the Marine Corps as I had supposed. As time went on, the answer as to what that big change was became only too obvious.

To Be Continued... (Suspenseful hey? I thought it would be fun to leave you on a bit of a cliff hanger... That and I really don't like super long posts, so I am breaking this one up into two parts)